What did we do last night that was yellow?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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