In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
