I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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