I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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