so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
