So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
