She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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