You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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