I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize