she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
