You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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