Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You peed on a flamingo?!?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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