I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
