Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
