he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
