i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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