you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
