The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
