i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
