Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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