that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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