Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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