i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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