I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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