dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
