Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
