I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
