yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
