he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
