woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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