he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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