I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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