it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
