Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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