so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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