i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
