My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
