I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
