I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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