I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize