You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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