I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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