dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
