Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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