Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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