Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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