My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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