If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
