this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
