Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
did i just pee glitter
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