So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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