Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
