Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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