is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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