Me too!
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
