My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
