No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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