Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
