Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize